Eugene Viljoen

The Expert Guide to a Grown-Up Sex Life

After a number of years in a committed relationship, it becomes
more difficult to get a balance between the domestic and the
erotic. Many women visit our consulting rooms complaining about
a boring and less frequent intimate life. The biggest problem
shown with the opening statement is that people still have a
mythical expectation, that sex should always be blissful and
spontaneous. As a woman gets older and domestic responsibilities to get
less due to the kids becoming more independent, they are
usually confronted with the absence or lack of intimacy. This
realization may trigger a massive relationship crisis and
questions about the quality of the relationship. If the couple
cannot resolve this, many emotional and relationship problems
develop, usually through escalating conflict, insecurities about
being loved, or in worse cases an extramarital affair.
The most important realization should be: We all go through
different developmental phases in life. And we need to adapt to
the demands of every new developmental phase. If you try to
apply what was working during previous phases, you might be
surprised to find yourself in a dark place, due to the same
solutions not working with the new demands of the new phase
which you have entered in your life and relationship.
As we mature in our relationships we become more entrenched in
our separateness and careers. He is doing his thing and you
might be doing you’re thing. If this is not realized and
celebrated, a feeling of loneliness and emotional insecurity
starts to develop. This is one of the biggest passion killers of
our time. This is when couples start to ignore each other and
deny the fact that a gap starts to develop in the relationship.
The solution would be to acknowledge the individual differences
in what they are busy with, celebrate these differences, as well
as your new connection to yourself. Do not qualify your identity
only in relation to your partner. Support each other in order to
keep the intimacy alive.
Intimacy can grow through repetition, but eroticism gets numbed
through repetition. Eroticism feeds your sexual energy. Eroticism
will thrive when you start feeding the mysterious, or the
unexpected. Frequently a change of scenery from where you have
habitual sexual interaction will make a difference. Make erotic
suggestions to your partner, as he would love you more when you
also take initiative. It will make him feel wanted, sexually
attractive and affirm his value as a lover in the relationship.
Change your sexual position and try to find a new favorite
sexual position by employing and enhancing all your senses, ie,
smell, visual, hearing, taste, and skin sensations.