The Expert Guide to a Grown-Up Sex Life
After a number of years in a committed relationship, it becomes more difficult to get a balance between the domestic and the erotic. Many woman visit ourconsulting rooms complaining about a boring and less frequent intimate life. The biggest problem shown with the opening statement is that people still have a mythical expectation, that sex should always be blissful and spontaneous. As woman get older and domestic responsibilities gets less due to the kids becoming more independent, they are usually confronted with the absence orlack of intimacy. This realization may trigger a massive relationship crisis andquestions about the quality of the relationship. If the couple cannot resolve this, many emotional and relationship problems develop, usually through escalating conflict, insecurities about being loved, or in worse cases an extra marital affair. The most important realization should be: We all go through differentdevelopmental phases in life. And we need to adapt to the demands of everynew developmental phase. If you try to apply what was working duringprevious phases, you might be surprised to find yourself in a dark place, due to the same solutions not working with the new demands of the new phase which you have entered in your life and relationship. Consulting Rooms:308 Nicolson Street Tel: 012 346 4760Brooklyn, PRETORIA Fax: 012 346 6455South Africa Cell: 083 454 2000My Sexual Health Clinic2 Eton RoadBryanstonemail: drviljoen@mweb.co.zaDr Eugéne ViljoenRegisteredClinical Psychologist/Kliniese SielkundigeB.Sc.,B.Sc Honns (Physiol), B.Sc. Honns (Psych), M.Sc. ClinPsych, Ph.DEuropean Certified Sexologist (ESSM/EFS)PR:8614792HPCSA 0026077 As we mature in our relationships we become more entrenched in our separateness and careers. He is doing his thing and you might be doing you’rething. If this is not realized and celebrated, a feeling of loneliness and emotional insecurity starts to develop. This is one of the biggest passion killers of our time. This is when couples start to ignore each other and deny the fact that a gap starts to develop in the relationship. The solution would be to acknowledge the individual differences in what they are busy with, celebrate these differences, as well as your new connection to yourself. Do not qualify your identity only in relation to your partner. Support each other in order to keep the intimacy alive. Intimacy can grow through repetition, but eroticism gets numbed troughrepetition. Eroticism feeds your sexual energy. Eroticism will thrive when you start feeding the mysterious, or the unexpected. Frequently a change of scenery from where you have habitual sexual interaction will make a difference. Make erotic suggestions to your partner, as he would love you more when you also take initiative. It will make him feel wanted, sexually attractive and affirm his value as a lover in the relationship. Change your sexual position and try to find a new favorite sexual position by employing and enhancing all your senses, ie, smell, visual, hearing, taste, and skin sensations.
Do you feel sad after sex? This is why and what you can do about it
A new study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy has revealed that feeling “down” instead of “up” after sex is also commonly experienced by men, not just women. This is known as post-coital dysphoria or the “post-sex blues”. It’s previously been found to be prevalent in women, but scientific research has not recognised it as affecting men. The study conducted by Queensland University researchers surveyed men from Australia, the UK, the US, Russia, New Zealand and Germany. Read more: 7 surprising signs of depression that prove it’s not all about sadness The study found that 41% of the participants had experienced post-coital dysphoria in the four weeks before doing the survey. Four percent of those said they experienced it on a regular basis. Some of the feelings the men reported were feeling emotionless and empty. “I don’t want to be touched and want to be left alone” and “I feel unsatisfied, annoyed and very fidgety. All I really want is to leave and distract myself from everything I participated in,” was also common. Does this sound like you? We chatted to Dr Eugene Viljoen. He’s a clinical psychologist and sexologist, President of the Southern African Sexual Health Association and a worldwide lecturer and advisor. Here’s everything you need to know about post-coital dysphoria. What exactly is post-coital dysphoria? “After sex one might want to feel invigorated and boosted. But some people feel the opposite, being agitated, argumentative, anxious, depressed or just plainly upset after sex. This has nothing to do with the subjective feeling about the quality of consensual sex. The emotions run wild in a negative way and the person would wonder why they feel so bad (distressed) after sex, without being able to describe a single contributing factor,” said Dr Viljoen. Read more: How to use the latest tech to have better sex and improve your relationship What are the symptoms? “The primary symptoms are described as feeling depressed. A negative emotional reaction follows the orgasm, without specific reasons for the depressed mood. It is possible that it may linger for a number of days after the sexual event.” What is the cause of it? “Although according to research studies, it seems as if more woman might suffer from this, men may also have the condition. The real reasons are not yet fully understood. But it seems as if the neurotransmitters in the area of the brain responsible for the feel good effect, do not function in the normal expected ways. Childhood sexual abuse may play a role as well in triggering negative emotions suffered during the initial trauma and bringing back old bad memories,” explains Dr Viljoen. Read more: This will change what you think about male sexual abuse When speaking to The Independent, co-author of the Australian study, Robert Schweitzer had this to say: “If we are to extrapolate from what we know about Post-Coital Depression [PCD] in women, we would propose a biopsychosocial model, as there seems to be a range of factors including genetic susceptibility, possible hormonal factors and potentially, psychological factors which we do not understand at this time.” Does it say something about my sex life or my partner? “We don’t think it is about the relationship, but something more complex,” said the study’s co-author Joel Maczkowiack. And Dr Viljoen echoes this, “The fact that you feel like this after sex, unless you can contribute the reasons to specific factors of what makes you sad at the moment, does not have a direct link with how well you are perceived as a lover. “The post-orgasmic blues are bigger than mere disappointment and more painful than outright embarrassment. It is a legitimate medical condition which will need medical intervention.” How do I talk to my partner about it? “Like any sexual issue, involvement of the partner is crucial. If she would see you being sad after sex, she might immediately think you find her to be a disappointment in bed, or not good enough. Even if you want to disguise the feelings, she might be able to pick up on the sadness and make her own deductions,” said Dr Viljoen. “This might lead to conflict and making the situation worse. Talk to her about your feelings. Assure her it has nothing to do with the quality of your sexual relationship. Ask for her support and visit a sexologist who might be able to help you with the condition.” What if my partner doesn’t understand? Dr Viljoen says that it would be a sad affair if the partner does not want to understand the situation. “This might depend on the partners own psychological issues and emotional maturity. If the partner would not open herself to understand the condition, the relationship might be in danger due to a lack of support and understanding.” But Maczkowiack has said post-coital dysphoria could potentially cause distress to not only the individual, but to the partner, too. This is because kissing, talking and cuddling after sex are known to boost intimacy and create a bond. Read more: This study on older adults’ sex lives proves your sex life isn’t doomed “The negative affective state which defines PCD has potential to cause distress to the individual, as well as the partner, disrupt important relationship processes, and contribute to distress and conflict within the relationship, and impact upon sexual and relationship functioning,” he said. The good news? Another 2015 study on women and PCD found that there was no relationship between post-coital dysphoria and intimacy in close relationships. What can I do about feeling sad after sex? According to Dr Viljoen, this is not a condition that would get better after time doing nothing. “It might even get worse if you ignore the symptoms, due to developing anxiety prior to intercourse about the possible emotional feelings afterwards. “See a sexual health specialist who would prescribe medication for the mood disorder. It would also be important to get some counselling in conjunction with the medication, as the medication in itself can produce side effects not ideal for successful intercourse.” News
SEXOLOGIST VS SEX THERAPIST
The question is frequently asked – What is a Sexologist? What qualifications do you need to bea Sexologist? There is further confusion between what differentiates a Sexologist to that of aSex Therapist. The following synopsis aims to clarify these differences. SEXOLOGIST (SEXOLOGY) Sexology is the general term for the scientific study of human sexuality and sexual behaviour.The people who study this field, are generally referred to as Sexologists.Some people think Sexologists and sex therapists are one and the same. There is a differencewith reference to Sexologists who choose to pursue a career as a sex therapist by workingdirectly with patients in a clinical setting, whilst others may explore careers such asresearching sexual behaviour, or sexual health. Additionally these persons may choose tobecome a sex educator helping in expanding sexual knowledge in the general public domain,or a medical doctor specialising in sexual health and treating diseases associated with sexualbehaviour, like sexually transmitted infections and other physical symptoms. Lastly anothergroup of individuals working in Sexology are able to act as public policy activists regardingsexually related issues, such as legalising prostitution, LGBTQI&A rights and building on thegeneral rights of marginalised individuals allowing everyone to have fulfilling sexualrelationships.How do you become a Sexologist? A small number of Universities in the world offer degrees insexology, or human sexuality at undergraduate and post graduate levels. It is common thatpeople who do choose to pursue the academic process to become Sexologists, haveeducational backgrounds in disciplines such as sociology, psychology, biology, medicine,public health (nursing) or anthropology.Sexologists generally have a master’s or doctoral degree, although some individuals haveanother type of advanced professional degree. Although a board certification is not required tocall yourself a Sexologist, many students in this field seek credentials from professionalorganisations such as the American Board for Sexology, or the International Society for SexualMedicine. To be certified, you typically need to show a relevant advanced academic degree,relevant work experience in the field and completion of a certain number of training hours.These requirements however may vary based on the certification. SEX THERAPIST Sexologists who are also sex therapists work with clients, either individually or as a couple, toimprove and address problems and aspects contributing to distress in their sexual functioning.This might include sexual education for couples who may experience problems such asmismatched libidos, difficulties reaching fulfilling orgasms, sexless relationships, sexual traumaand other issues specific to personal problems regarding sexual identity and problematicsexual behaviour like pornography addiction.Sex therapists should have specific qualifications such as an advanced degree in eitherpsychology, psychotherapy or counseling, and specific courses in sex therapy training andclinical experience. Unfortunately, these terms are not currently regulated, so anyone is able tocall themselves a Sexologist or a sex therapist. It is good practice when you are looking forsomeone to help you in this area, to check their qualifications first. Do not expect any physical contact during a sex therapy session with a Sexologist!People sometimes think that a sexologist would do ‘hands-on’ work. This would be regarded asunethical conduct within the profession and is defined as such by the professional boardssituated under the Health Professional Council of South Africa (HPCSA). An HPCSA registeredpractitioner can be charged by the HPCSA, in the event of unprofessional behaviour.Therefore it is rather a matter of “All talk, No action”. This would clearly differ from being a sexsurrogate, which is a different profession all together by involving actual sexual contact withclients.Thus, if you are in need of, or you are interested in consulting with a certified Sexologist orprofessional sex therapist, the SASHA website would be able to direct you to a list ofprofessionally qualified Sexologists and sex therapists in South Africa. Source : Dr Eugene Viljoen